Drugs

Well I've been down to taking only one tranquiliser a day since about friday or so. This morning I finally caved and took a morning one as well. All I can say is that right now I defnitely feel much better than normal. The physical sensations in my head are a lot less apparently and I feel a lot more chilled. Seems like anti-anxiety medication might be the way to go after all. I'll discuss with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

I mean I have been coping before this. I've been getting much less depersonalisation if at all. The only remaining symptoms have been the anxiousness about things like sensations in my head and time going a bit (a lot?) slower than normal. But my sleeping has been fine after my nightly rivotril and stuff.

Will see what the psychiatrist says tomorrow.

Time of day

There just isn't enough time in the day. I would have liked to write more today but oh well. Most of today was pretty fine, I didnt seem to get depersonalisation, just a little depression in the evening after my meal, before bed and funny muscle spasming type feelings in my legs. Otherwise good day ;)

Ending on a good note

Well this is weird. Right now I'm getting ready for bed. I'm feeling much happier. I made 23k on piggs today which is fantastic and puts me out of that bad poker rut I was in. I measured myself on the scale again also and it said 67kg, so that discounts what I said earlier. Which is weird hey. Basically if I think I'm happy and healthy then I will be but if I think I am weak and sickly then that's what I will be as well. Because I felt really shit earlier when I saw my weight, and thought something was wrong. Now I can think again that I'm actually doing well on this diet and maybe gaining some weight as well.

I guess maybe thats how I get out of this panic disorder as well? Somehow I have to be try be positive as much as I can as often as I can. Well I survived today so far on one tranquiliser (which I just took). Let's hope I sleep well and maybe soon I'll be off them.

Well I haven't blogged for a while. It's been an interesting few days. I've been trying to wean myself off the tranquiliser medication without the best results. On Friday morning I had to phone the psychiatrist to get more medication because I probably wouldn't have been able to sleep through the weekend. It was a puclic holiday as well so I ended up waking her up so she could fax through a script. Now I'm trying to take one a day. I lasted most of Friday without taking one but couldn't fall asleep so took one then and again Saturday morning and Saturday evening to fall asleep. It's Sunday Afternoon about 4:40 now and the weather is pretty miserable and cold. I haven't had a tranquiliser today though, looks like we gonna try go for just one a day.

Today I went on a shopping spree at Cavendish. I picked up my dad and my sister first since I haven't seen them for a few days and they came along. I went with the intention of buying ingredients for a peanut chicken crock pot recipe, steak tartare and also buying a food processor and a garlic press. All my missions were successfully accomplished. I even found some glass jars while I was there so that I can make my vegetable juices in massive batches instead of having to make them 2 or 3 times a day and all the hassle that that entails.

I also bought a weighing scale so that I can check up on my weight. I got a massive fright to see that my weight is 57.6kg according to this thing. What the hell. That means I must have lost like 7 or 8kg in just a few days. How did that happen? Madness, unless of course the one scale has been incorrect all the time but I somehow doubt it. Maybe it's the masses of vegetable juice I've been drinking with minimal carbohydrates. I'm not sure if I must just give my body some time to get used to the more "high protein" diet or if I should go back to a more mediterranean diet like Mary-Ann. I thought I had been eating enough calories but maybe I was completely wrong. Or maybe my body isn't used to turning proteins into energy and calories. I am a little worried I must say.

So I just ate my first ever raw meat. I made steak tartare with free range beef from woolies. I only had a small section. Maybe like 30-40g or so. I didn't want to vomit at all or anything. It was quite nice in the end. I defnitely think I can do it again. Let's hope I don't get any parasites now or if I do that it's for my overall health. Primal diet for me or not? We shall see.

Right now though I think I'm gonna try and play some poker and then see what happens. I might make myself a high carbs dish just now to maybe slow this "detox" or maybe just cause my body is craving carbs.

It's afternoon now. Niceish sunny day but you can feel winter is coming along.

I've done most of what I needed to do today. Was woken by the alarm early at like 8, lazed around in my bed till about 8:40 or so snoozing the alarm till I finally got up properly. I didn't have time to make a vegetable juice concotion this morning so instead I made a smoothie of whey protein, pawpaw, one raw egg and some raw cacao seeds. Initially I was going to make it with banana instead of pawpaw but I had forgotten that I specifically purchased the pawpaw instead. Ramble ramble ramble...

Anyways, off I went to the dental surgeon in Wynberg for my appointment at 10am. His office is fucking in the middle of nowhere in this random shopping centre but I somehow stumbled across it and had to wait around for about 35 minutes till he could see me. He basically said the same as my other dentist, the wisdom teeth have to come out along with the two dodgy root canals. He asked me if I'm experiencing any pain or anything at the moment and I'm not fortunately and hopefully it won't be too bad after the surgery. My life is kind of in his hands, since if he messes up I could lose feeling in my face permanently, joyous times ;) I guess it's the risk one has to take though.

I lazed around home and then some dude came to have a look at my window measurements to put in this anti-moquito screen. The mosquitos here are like crazy mad blood sucking vampires so I want to put a stop to them. Just waiting for a quote now. The kettlebell exercises went well today, I'm less stiff now than before, hehehehe :P Had a nice lunch of fried chicken (in coconut oil of course) and a large green salad. I'm feeling a bit hungry now 2 or 3 hours later so this whole high protein thing hasn't adjusted my metabolism just quite yet but I don't feel as tired as I normally do at this time I think (haha, subjective reality anyone?).

Well I might go to roots tonight and see tegz and the crowd. For now though it's poker time!!! (please poker gods let me run well!!!) Hahaha, just lost set over set for stacks on 5/10. Damn you poker gods :/

Day 1

Subjective reality. That's basically what it comes down to. There is only one moment and your feelings change from day to day and month to month. I want to start tracking my feelings, hence it's time to start a blog. Here perhaps, will be a map of my life.

Today I spent time with the interesting and outgoing side of my family, Jean, Janine and Philip. It's been cool to have them down here. They seem to really dig it that I'm playing poker professionally, Philip especially. Jean is a very talented musician, so the two first sons have ended up with interesting jobs.

I didn't have as much as a blast as I would have liked to though. I've possibly developed panic disorder from a Marijuana overdose 1.5 months ago and life feels strange at the moment. If Jean was down here 2 months ago I would have taken him out every night and we would have partied our asses off I'm sure. As things are now I've reverted back to being a health freak and obsessing about sunlight, exercise and diet.

My days seem to be centred around making my vegetable juice and smoothies, doing my exercise, making sure I get to spend some time outside, driving around like a mad thing in search of ingredients to cook healthy recipes and doing beserker like research online about health. Of course this confuses my poor little brain because all the health "experts" have different idea's and opinions on what's right and wrong.

At the moment I seem to be going for the high protein and low carb style diet. I'm feeling a little moody at the moment and getting the night itches again.

The highlight of the day (apart from seeing my family) has been researching wheatgrass again, that's the next step for me in my quest for health, drinking shots of wheatgrass every day. Let's hope it's not quite as disghusting as last time, hehe. The testimonials from online seem pretty convincing, but I've come to realise that there's so much goddamn anecdotal evidence on the internet. It's hard to know what to believe.

Tomorrow I'm off to see a dental surgeon about getting 2 infected root canals and my wisdom teeth extracted under general anaesthetic. It's not something I'm looking forward to but apparently it has to be done. I have this weird feeling like I can feel a vein on the left hand side of my head sometimes and I hope it's not related. Maybe just paranoia? Although I've had this feeling for months now it seems.

Tonight is the first night that I sleep in near total darkness, since I got some dark coloured blinds installed finally!!!. w00t!

I think that's enough for now, I'm going to try update my thoughts on a daily basis (hahahaha, resolutions resolutions)